I matter

I’ve realized that I spend a lot of time convincing myself I’m not good enough…and I need to stop that.

It’s odd, because I always thought that I lacked confidence or self-esteem, but I’m realizing that may not be the case. My gut reaction is always to stand up for myself or fight to the death for my stance. But as time goes on, I talk myself down. I make myself believe that maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m not thinking clearly, maybe I don’t understand. Similar thoughts include things like “of course they know better than I do” or “who I am to be able to _______”. I talk myself down a lot with the mistaken notion that I don’t matter as much as other people do. This can be a form of humility, or this can be a crippling form of self-doubt…mine is definitely the latter.

I’ve been doing this a lot at work lately. Second guessing and backing down, not letting myself count. It’s not working and I’m miserable. And I think that’s mainly because I don’t truly believe the lie I convince myself of. I matter…and I’m going to start acting that way.

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