The Sunshine Transition


Has anyone ever told you that  “things will look better in the morning”?

I was never a fan of that saying…I’m not a huge fan of any of those phrases that people throw out there when they really don’t know what else to say. “It is what it is.” “Whatever will be will be.” And don’t get me started on “everything happens for a reason”…gag

But, getting back to the hand at order, I’m so bad at see things better in the morning. In fact, its usually the opposite for me. I’ll have all my great ideas and dreams in the evening and, come morning, when I’m reviewing them in the shower…where all good reflections occur… I begin to crumble. My resolve weakens and, when faced with the actual idea of putting my thoughts into actions, my confidence plummets.

I’ve termed this personal phenomenon the “sunshine transition”, as if any ray of light that touches my hopes and dreams turns them into the scared mice I try to ignore the signs of in my pantry.

It happens more than I would like it to. Apparently, I’m a very brave person after the dinner hour and can solve all of the world’s problems, but only in theory. Because when the sun comes up, the doubt comes with it.

What if I don’t have all the facts? What if the person I need on my side doesn’t agree? What if I make a fool of myself? What if I fail?

The last two are the hardest: failure, or even the appearance of failure, have kept me from many things and still haunt most of my decision making processes. I feel that today. I will probably feel that in some way 20 years from now.

But what does failure do? It proves that I’m flawed and broken and vulnerable. It shows that I’m not in charge. It reminds me that I’m in desperate need of a Savior.

So, I will try to choose to let the sunlight in and not be afraid. I will remind myself that it’s not my job to be perfect, it’s my job to try. And, most of all, I will once again surrender to my calling to let Jesus be my Savior, because I would be a really bad one.



Jesus is taunting me…again

In one of my two offices for my (paid) jobs, there is a bookshelf that I pace in front of. I’m a telephone pacer, a bored pacer and an “I need to get my steps in without leaving this office” pacer. And while I pace sometimes I look over and every time I am guaranteed to see the cover of this book.img_2724

I don’t know why it surprises me every time…I never move it. I never even pick it up. I just look at it and feel the Lord taunting me.

Ok…I guess taunting is a bad word. Testing? Checking in? Reminding? Throwing pebbles at my head à la Romeo and Juliet?

He’s trying to get me attention.

And I give it to Him. But,usually just long enough to think: “Ha, right! I’ll think of loving you and, Jesus, you can go ahead and catch up on my laundry, plan these five events, get the baby to sleep through the night and get me to lose an undisclosed number of pounds that are hanging out around my waist. Nice try, buddy. I’m not falling for that.”

Today, though, I stopped and tried not to be sassy with our Lord and Savior. I thought about what the cover is really asking of me, what it really means to love Jesus, why He wants me to do it more than anything else.

A quote attributed to St. Mother Teresa of Calcutta (Is that what we call her now? In our house, she’s still Momma T.) comes to mind:

“I see Jesus in every human being. I say to myself, this is hungry Jesus, I must feed him. This is sick Jesus. This one has leprosy or gangrene; I must wash him and tend to him. I serve because I love Jesus.”

With Valentine’s Day being right around the corner, its easy to equate “love” with the cheesy cards, gifts and movies that are attacking all of our senses right now. The good feelings and pretty hearts and happily ever afters aren’t what book-cover-Jesus and actual Jesus want from me.

He wants me to serve: my family, the people of my ministries, the people I forget to pray for, the people the world forgets. He wants me to think of myself less and of them more. He wants me to open my eyes and my heart to the suffering around me and offer to help in my own small way. He wants me to stop complaining about things that don’t matter and work to change things that do. (OK…that half of that might be more what I want. I’m getting really annoyed by my own complaining lately. And you know its bad when you are annoyed by yourself.) He wants me to trust that He will take care of me, and everything else for that matter, even when I spend half my life worrying about the outcome.

Ok, book-cover-Jesus, you win. Today, I will let you think of everything and I will think of loving you. And I will continue to learn what that love means for me.